New Year's Eve sucks every year? Seriously?

Yep. I've had more depressing New Year's Eves before...just having trouble remembering any of them right now. No, this one just sucked.
Look, I know no one reads this, I'm pretty much talking to myself and posting it for all the world to see. Problem is, the world DOES NOT CARE. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you, I'm super un-impressive, I know. I've lived on two large shadows all my life. Brothers. Yep. I mean, yeah, they're great to brag about, but then people love them famously, and you kinda get pushed aside. One's perfect. At everything. Everyone loves him because he's just so great. And I agree. I do. It just sucks for us mediocre people lower down on the totem pole. Then there's the black sheep. Yes, I live in the shadow of a black sheep. Seems odd. The way that works, is every one either expects you to be way better than him, or, be exactly like him and fail at everything I do. Like I said, mediocre. He has recently become quite successful, and now the expectations of me go up a bit. Yippe.
For some reason my oldest brother, (the black sheep) seems to think of me as the dumb kid. Which I think is odd, because he and I used to be quite close. He even liked me. He needed me mostly. Now, he doesn't. So I'm suddenly transformed into a useless retard whom he likes to criticise at every chance he gets. Called me fat today. That was super awesome.
God I don't know why I'm trying. No one's ever going to read this. Unless my mom figures out how to use the internet. Not likely. 
I have thoughts! I have ideas! I have things to say I won't say to my very best friend! I have deep and profound knowledge to pass on, and words of great worth that mean something!!!! I can write a book and be heard and make money from these damn words I have bouncing around in my head!
And nobody knows. Nobody cares. I'm the other one. The passing thought. The shadow within a shadow. I ache to be freed from my silence! Literally! My palms ache when I feel a mass of words building up. And no one knows that. I've never told anyone that before. Except you. And  IF you even start to read this, you probably won't get this far. I talk too much. I know. I've been told.
So yes. New Year's sucked again. Every year brings promise of newness. New hope, new life, new oppertunities. The end of every year reveals the dissapointment of not finding either one. Just the same thing to look back on and pray that it gets better. Eventually.
I'm a mess readers. You should see me! Make-up smeared and running down my face ( I rarely cry). In my good shirt and sweat pants. Hair's falling out. (No, I'm not drunk. Haven't had one drop tonight. Yet.) But the inside is the scary part. I don't know what I need. I don't know what I can do. I don't know who I am anymore. A person falling apart. I need emotional morter. That's it. For now, I'll stick with sleep.
"Happy New Year" Mon Ami says.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I hate it when people say, "Happy holidays," to avoid "offending" anyone.
This is ridiculous! I have several Jewish friends, and a few non-denominational who don't celebrate much at all. I talked to them, and they are never offended by Merry Christmas. I think it's silly. The only thing people do when they tip-toe around such greetings, is degrade their own beliefs!
I won't try to shove my beliefs down anyone's troat. That is offensive. Honestly, if one of my friends told me, "Happy Hanukkah," I'd be happy that they wanted the time they celebrated to be a good time for me also. What better way to greet some one then telling them you want the time you celebrate to be a good time for them?!
I don't know, maybe it's just me. But I don't really think so. How often do you hear the store clerk say "happy holidays" and say "merry Christmas" back? I do it all the time. And if they told me some other greeting, I'd be honored that they extended it to me, and return the gesture with my own.
Let's celebrate our differences, by showing them, and being proud of them, shall we?
"Happy Christmas," Mon Ami says.

Ms. Nobody

Not highly important, not very significant, but still here.
What do you do with your life, if you look back, and see no great impact anywhere? What have I done? Who have I helped? Why does my life matter?
On a scale from one to ten, I think I'm a four in the matter of great impact. Who would be effected if tomorrow, I was not there?
Not talkking about suicide here, don't worry. I'm just saying. I think it's important thing to ponder. Who have I helped today? Did I make a differnce for anybody? It was a day-off for me and you know what I did? Nothing. For who? For me. I did not do one thing for another person. How lame! I spend so much time on doing nothing. This must change.
And not just on a day to day level either. I need to think about who I'm living for. If I live for myself, all I gain is lonliness, if I live for others, (primarily my God, with whom all things are possible) then I gain comfort, and security that others will up-hold me, like I have done for them. (If I actually do, there's the kicker.)
What will you choose to live for today? Go easy on yourself. I'm self-scolding a bit here.
"Love much and many," Mon Ami says.

Mr. Perfect...

Despite his misleading name, he has HORRIBLE punctuality skills! Hurry it up!
Okay,  so I'm not that impatient. It would just be great to at least meet the guy!
 Now, I'm a Christian (judge me as you please, I consider it an honor to be persecuted), and I do beleive that God has him all lined up for me and we both have to grow before we're techically right for each other but still!
-sigh- Not one to tell God he's doing it wrong. Nope.
Is it so wrong to want the affectionate side of the opposite sex? I don't think so. We're wired that way. We're supposed to want to be loved. But sometimes telling the difference between our ideas of perfect, and the Creator's is hard stuff. Anyways. I'm done for the night. I think I'll talk about something less pathetic next time.
"Sitting waiting wishing," Mon Ami says.

Some of my weaknesses....

My biggest weakness, is messy my room. I know I know, that's a little childish. But my room has always been messy. I'm just never in there long enough to notice. I sleep in there, that's all. I've been meaning to clean it for years! But this week, I rolled up my sleeves, and got to work. I got rid of bags and bags of stuff, and vacuumed. Spotless!
Here's another one. Winks. I swear to anything, a guy winks at me, and I melt like butter. Yep, not afraid to admit it. There have been times when I can't speak because one of my guy friends winked at me. A friend I would never consider as a prospect. And also, times when rather unattractive men winked at me, and it gave me butterflies. And don't ask about old men. No one wants to hear about that.
Want another one? Tea. Love tea! Any kind of tea. Preferably not decafinated. I'll try anything once. I am a tea addict. I would drink tea constanty throughout the day instead of water if I could. Obviously I can't, only because I would more than likely be buzzing the whole day. Also, my sugar expenses would ruin me.
Okay, here's one more. New Year's resolutions. Yes, seriously. Every year, I make about fifty. Ask me if I keep them. Does anyone? How many do we make a year? Millions around make resolutions every year! And few keep them. I'm not saying nobody does. I'm sure people do. I've never met them. Why do we try to shot-gun change ourselves one day a year? Why is it we think we can do that? Change takes time people! And sometimes, hard work, tears and pain. It happens. But change is worth it.
My point is, don't try to promise yourself that you'll change after one night of celebrating with maybe just a little too much champagne. It's silly! If you're going to change, do it for you. And take the time to experiencce the growing! Please don't cheat yourself of the triumph.
I know this is a bit early, but I did this because I care.
"Love you all, happy changing," Mon Ami says.

Inklings of Christmas.

Why hello there dear new friends. It seems that Christmas time is coming upon us. Didn't we just finish off the Thanksgiving leftovers? My my. Do you remember Christmas as a kid? Do you remember that feeling you got in your stomach everytime you thought about that special morning? Thinking about all the cool stuff you'd get. How long has it been since you felt that? For me, I can't remember when I felt it last. Not sure why, but doesn't it seem like the farther you get into your years, the less magical things become? Now, I'm not saying Santa is the cure here, I believe in Santa as much as any rational person would, not at all. Still, there is a certain tingle of magic about Christmas. And you know what? I miss that. And I wanted to get it back. I wanted to do something that would make me feel like Christmas was worth while this year.So, what did I do? I hiked two miles into the woods, (which was actually up quite a steep hill) with a saw, and I cut down my own tree! In the snow! I felt like I had accomplished a great feat. I got home, showed my mom, and we rejoiced together. We set to decorate it. And after we were done, I sat in my favorite chair, looked at my tree, and boasted to myself how good I had done, and waited for the feeling. It didn't come. I stared at the tree, and thought about waking up early to see it and....it wasn't there. How upsetting! This great thing I had done was not getting me the results I wanted. Distressed, I turned to my mother. She was obliviously happy. She looked around smiling at the decorations, then, on the pictures of my bothers. "They'll like this," she said. She thought I did it for them, not for me. I had done it for me! How selfish! I berated myself  for a moment, then thought about seeing my brothers on Christmas.The smiles on their faces, and how much I missed those smiles. Then, there is was. The feeling. Ever so slightly in the pit of my stomach. Pure joy. I almost cried I was so happy. And I knew I had learned something. It's not about Santa, or waking up early on purpose one day out of the year, it's not about gifts, it's not about food, or even silly endeavors for trees. It's about wonder like a child, and the love of family. Both of my older brothers are in the Navy, and I haven't seen them for months, one of them over a year. And I get them home this year. And all I had thought about was how great THIS would make me feel. I get to spend my special morning with special people. And I will celebrate the true magic. Not elves, or flying deer. A baby. A baby born in a barn,with animals. So, I will spend this Christmas not celebrating myself, as I thought it should be. But I will celebrate the birth of a Savior, the coming home of loved ones, and the magic of selfless-ness. That myfriends, is a true miracle.
Think of Christmas as you will. But I choose this one.
"With love," Mon Ami says.