Yep. I've had more depressing New Year's Eves before...just having trouble remembering any of them right now. No, this one just sucked.
Look, I know no one reads this, I'm pretty much talking to myself and posting it for all the world to see. Problem is, the world DOES NOT CARE. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you, I'm super un-impressive, I know. I've lived on two large shadows all my life. Brothers. Yep. I mean, yeah, they're great to brag about, but then people love them famously, and you kinda get pushed aside. One's perfect. At everything. Everyone loves him because he's just so great. And I agree. I do. It just sucks for us mediocre people lower down on the totem pole. Then there's the black sheep. Yes, I live in the shadow of a black sheep. Seems odd. The way that works, is every one either expects you to be way better than him, or, be exactly like him and fail at everything I do. Like I said, mediocre. He has recently become quite successful, and now the expectations of me go up a bit. Yippe.
For some reason my oldest brother, (the black sheep) seems to think of me as the dumb kid. Which I think is odd, because he and I used to be quite close. He even liked me. He needed me mostly. Now, he doesn't. So I'm suddenly transformed into a useless retard whom he likes to criticise at every chance he gets. Called me fat today. That was super awesome.
God I don't know why I'm trying. No one's ever going to read this. Unless my mom figures out how to use the internet. Not likely.
I have thoughts! I have ideas! I have things to say I won't say to my very best friend! I have deep and profound knowledge to pass on, and words of great worth that mean something!!!! I can write a book and be heard and make money from these damn words I have bouncing around in my head!
And nobody knows. Nobody cares. I'm the other one. The passing thought. The shadow within a shadow. I ache to be freed from my silence! Literally! My palms ache when I feel a mass of words building up. And no one knows that. I've never told anyone that before. Except you. And IF you even start to read this, you probably won't get this far. I talk too much. I know. I've been told.
So yes. New Year's sucked again. Every year brings promise of newness. New hope, new life, new oppertunities. The end of every year reveals the dissapointment of not finding either one. Just the same thing to look back on and pray that it gets better. Eventually.
I'm a mess readers. You should see me! Make-up smeared and running down my face ( I rarely cry). In my good shirt and sweat pants. Hair's falling out. (No, I'm not drunk. Haven't had one drop tonight. Yet.) But the inside is the scary part. I don't know what I need. I don't know what I can do. I don't know who I am anymore. A person falling apart. I need emotional morter. That's it. For now, I'll stick with sleep.
"Happy New Year" Mon Ami says.
